Madam Machete
2012-09-10 00001
Creator Cybernetic Cupcake
Creation September 11th, 2012
Type Femme fatale (belief)
Bumbling fangirl (reality)
Alignment Neutral Evil
Attitude Carefree and giddy
Fighting style Short-to-mid-ranged (throwing knives)
Melee (Machete)
Abilities Able to sprout blades from her upper body
Super-speed slicing
Heightened response
Indestructible bones
Durable muscles
Blood regeneration
Weaknesses Skin still vulnerable
Loose grasp of reality
Easily offended
Can be overcome with paroxysms of glee or anguish
Status Alive
Occupation Wannabe psychopath
Allies Kabel Sharpskin(one-sided love interest)
Enemies Variable and growing in number

Madam Machete is a blade-wielding Miss Pauling TF2 Freak created by Youtube user Cybernetic Cupcake.

Her theme is Maid with the Flaxen Hair (Wub Machine Remix).


Madam Machete was originally 20-something Jessie Dolores "Madam" MacRaney, a normal human woman who had nothing to do with freaks, though those around her told her stories of freakish encounters with deadly consequences. She barely believed these tales, but felt a sense of envy, not for those that survived the encounters, but for the freaks and their superior powers. Jessie had dreams of becoming a terrifying freak, and would eventually have her dark desires fulfilled as she was later exposed to a demonic alien influence that telekinetically shifted her body structures.

Jessie (now Mme. Machete) felt that this influence was a gift from the dark gods (though it was really a great honking coincidence), and proceeded to use her terrible powers to try and find a place in the freak worlds. However, while she had a new body, she still had the same mind, that of a emotionally immature college-age woman, and a mentally unfit one to put it bluntly. She was one to make a mountain out of a molehill when it came to "insults" against her, and would gladly chop anyone that dared laugh at her madcap antics, even if such laughter wasn't directed at her personally.

Personality and Behavior

Perhaps raised by a strict family in her youth, Mme. Machete yearns to be a free spirit, unbound by the influences of morality and military. She likes being called evil, and takes great pride and passion in being feared for her powers. However, she's really rather happy-go-lucky, and will often giggle girlishly after a good slaughter, though only if she's sure she's not being watched; any watchers of her true self are to be murdered instantly.

Mme. Machete is quick to point out her "evil" qualities, like her taste for human blood, her cold-blooded assassination skills, her indestructibility, and so on ad nauseum. She often makes up "evil credentials" on the spot wherever she sees fit, especially it seems if they contradict her true self (she might say she won't go easy on children and the elderly, while she actually loves them dearly). She's often inconsistent with these fictional "credentials" (to one person she might say she hates cats murderously while to another she might say she keeps cats as evil pets).

Such is the intensity of Mme. Machete's raw emotions that they often send her into a flailing fit, especially glee and anguish. She often reacts to things that highly suit her interest with playful defiance and denial, while she reacts to things she distastes with genuine denial. One way to get her goat is to critique her actions, or even to note what she's doing in any non-flattering manner. If she isn't given the respect she believes she deserves, she'll go berserk.

While she's normally a staunch feminist and eager to prove herself better than any man alive, Mme. Machete has room in her black heart for one freakish man: Kabel Sharpskin. Having encountered him after he ended up in her world in a dimensional leap, she fell madly in love with the enthusiasm usually dedicated to being evil. She would defend Kabel if he was ever insulted or injured, though Kabel insists often that he can fight his own battles.

She believes herself to be a unique specimen in a world of male freaks, and desires to prove she is just as strong and capable, if not more so, than the "boys". To her fellow freaks, she simply comes off as more of a nuisance, yammering on about femininity and her wishes of a female-freak-dominated world.

She'd be simply labeled as a wannabe freak, were it not for her genuinely freakish and terrifying abilities in murder and butchery. Her bladed body is a deadly weapon to anyone that dares cross her, while her high reflexes make her able to avoid danger at any angle. However, she often exaggerates her situations, making herself out to be either a super-powerful assassin or a victim of misogyny depending on the context.

Powers and Weaknesses

Thanks to telekinetically-enhanced cells, Madam Machete's bones and muscles are incredibly strong, with her skeleton nearly 20 times stronger than the strongest commercially-made steel. Mme. Machete's bones are also able to change shape, projecting knife-like protrusions anywhere on her shoulders, scalp (usually kept out like horns), back, waist, arms, and hands. She cannot project these blades elsewhere on her body, forcing her to carry "normal" blades on her hips and legs.

All other blades within her arsenal she has stolen from fallen enemies (and even enemies still alive), especially her "iconic" machete (a Kukri once belonging to a brutal Sniper) and her Eternal Rewards strapped to her calves. Mme. Machete uses these blades with reasonable precision, though with heightened speed (knowing her, she'll brag that all her blade-wielding abilities are no less than superhuman). Not limited to swinging blades, Mme. Machete will throw small knives at her enemies should she have more than enough to work with.

Though her skeleton is indestructible and her muscles strong enough to compensate for such, her skin is still as vulnerable to puncture as any human. She makes up for this through blood regeneration, rendering her unable to bleed to death from deep wounds, though this often leaves her more blood than flesh in a particularly fatal situation. Regardless of her state, she has a form of immortality (much like any good freak) that enables her to be "reborn" wherever there's a place where she can cause more trouble.

Being a bit out of it to say the least, Mme. Machete often overestimates her powers, making for deadly situations should she be outnumbered, outgunned, or outflanked, as her inflated self-confidence is suicidally unyielding. She also has a tendency to exaggerate her targets or victims (if they're average humans, she'll believe they're weaklings; if they're well-muscled, she'll believe they're hulking brutes) as well as accuse anyone "criticizing" her of misogyny or chauvanism (though she doesn't really know the meaning of either).


  • Madam Machete was inspired by this wiki's description for the Blade Users category, originally stating that it was not called "Swordsmen" because not only would that limit the types of blades used, but would also exclude women. Noting that practucally no female freaks existed in that category at the time, Mme. Machete was born.
    • The idea of her being Kabel's admirer is an older idea, originally belonging to a freak based on Scout's Mom.
  • Madam Machete is also a parody of the many "evil-loving" teenaged fangirls GigaCake has encountered in her experiences with websites like deviantART and Tumblr, as well as a freakish jab at "gamer girls" and other female chauvinists in pop-culture.
  • Madam Machete's "human" name was originally used for another fangirl character in an unreleased fan-fiction of GigaCake's. This Jessie encountered Painis Cupcake, at first flirting with him, but then panicking as he tried to eat her alive. GigaCake herself aided Jessie in defeating the cannibal Soldier, but not before slipping him psychoactive drugs.
  • Madam Machete is the first Miss Pauling TF2 Freak.